Supporting a Friend or a Family Member with Mental Illness

Nearly 1 in 5 US adults are currently living with a mental illness (National Institute of Mental Health). With these staggering statistics, it’s likely we all know at least one friend or family member who is struggling with some type of mental illness. Recent media has urged individuals to encourage loved ones to get help, but what is the proper way to do this? It is easy to make the wrong comment or suggestion, resulting in a trigger for the individual and lessening the chances of them seeking the help they need.

Here are some clear tips on how to encourage a loved one who is struggling with mental health.

1. Validation, Validation, Validation

The way we address our loved ones is vital in the intervention process. As a supporter, you may have your own inferences or preconceived notions into your loved ones feelings, or you may hold resentment towards their illness due to the impact it has caused on you which can lead to invalidation. Phrases like, “Things aren’t that bad”, “Stop looking for attention” or “Why don’t you just snap out of it” may be your knee jerk reaction; however, these phrases can cause detrimental harm to your loved one. Invalidating another’s perspective or point of view sends the message that you either A) you do not believe your loved one or B) you do not care about the reality your loved one is experiencing. Instead try phrases like “It sounds like you’re struggling, what can I do to help” or simply “I don’t even know what to say right now. I just want you to know I’m here”. These are safer and much easier alternatives. Validating your loved ones reality is more likely to encourage them to get the help they need in the long run.

2. Show Up and Be Present

Living with mental illness can fathom serious feelings of loneliness. Decreased self-worth can make it very difficult for your loved one to reach out in time of crisis. Showing up, even if you aren’t invited is a good way to continue to show your support to your loved one. Checking in, sending food or messages, or simply saying you are here when they are ready will help encourage your loved one to open up. When they are ready to reach out for help, provide support by researching therapists together or even sitting in for that first initial call to set an appointment can be helpful.

3. Be Aware of Signs of Suicide

Suicide is largely preventable. It’s important as a loved one that you take all words of death seriously. Even if it is presented in a joking manner, many times this can be an early signs a crisis may occur. Ask follow up questions about their comment, and do not leave the person alone if they are reporting an active plan to harm themselves. You can encourage your loved one to contact national help lines such as 1-800-273-TALK. If you still feel your loved one is unsafe after attempting de escalation tactics you can contact the local police department and ask for the crisis intervention team. If necessary, they can issue a voluntary or involuntary hospitalization for the safety of your loved one. In the state of Florida this is called a Baker Act. Don’t hesitate. Make sure to verbalize that this is what is done when a loved one’s life is in danger for their safety.

4. You Are Not Responsible for Your Loved One’s Recovery

After the recent tragedies, many people are looking to help in some way. Even if you follow all the guidance provided above, you may still be frustrated that your loved one does not follow through with recommendations to receive therapeutic services. It’s important as a support person to not take on the burden of your loved one’s recovery. At the end of the day, therapy is hard work! The motivation to get better must be present in the client for results to come about. This may mean loved ones will go through the process for weeks, months, even years until one is finally ready to begin their journey to healing. Be patient and continue validation strategies until they come to the decision to get help. Keep reiterating, “When your ready, I’m here for you”.

If you or someone you love is looking for therapeutic services in the Palm Beach County area contact Michelle Smith RMHCI, MS at 405-323-1786 for a free consultation today.

4 Tips for Talking with Children and Teens After a School Shooting

Following the events at Santa Fe High School that occurred last week, parents are curious about what to say or how to address this tragedy with their children and teens. As a school counselor and psychotherapist, I know firsthand the amount of emotional turmoil these events can reek havoc on the family and school settings.

There is much advice on the internet about how to address this; however, if you keep these tips in mind you will be able to navigate through this conversation in an effective manner:

1.       Ask Questions and Discuss What Your Child is Seeing on Social Media

Most children and teens utilize smartphones to access the majority of their information regarding current events. As an adult, it is easier to decipher between “fake news” and evidence based information regarding the tragedy. If you have not already, sit down with your child or teen and ask what type of information they have gathered regarding the shooting and ask them to show you where the found it. Ask them how they know the information is credible. If they struggle to understand, take this as a teachable moment and show your son or daughter how to look up news articles, teaching them which resources are most credible and which ones are not (think Wikipedia, friends sharing social media posts). As a rule of thumb, if it didn’t come from a news source it’s important to fact check.

2.  Don’t Tell Someone in an Emotional State “Just Calm Down”

It can be challenging figuring out how to help your child or teen emotionally regulate after a traumatic event. Many times our own distress and frustration can get in the way of helping us information gather, rather than put a band aid on the presenting problem. How many times as parents have we used the overstated, “Just calm down already!” in high emotional situations. This statement invalidates the feelings your child is experiencing. Instead try something like “Yes, this is a scary situation and I understand your emotion. How can I help you through these feelings right now?”

3.       Don’t Sugar Coat It

A majority of advice I see on the internet states the importance of reiterating the safety in our schools and enforcing that the likelihood of a shooting happening in THEIR school is minimal. I tend to discourage sugar coating this issue. The reality is school shootings are becoming a “new normal” for this generation. Students in school today have more active shooter drills than fire drills, and are very aware that there is a possibility a shooting can occur. Instead normalize their feelings of fear and anxiety, discuss safeguards in place at their specific school, and rehearse the plan provided by your child or teens school.

4.       Assess for PTSD Symptoms Early

Sometime after the trauma has occurred, it is important to assess exactly what your child experienced especially if they were a victim or in the school during the time of the shooting. When your child is ready, ask them what they saw, experienced, and their involvement with the incident. If you notice symptoms such as avoiding school, recurrent distressing dreams, or persistent negative emotional states that last for more than a month than it is time to seek treatment. Your child may have early signs of PTSD which is a mental illness that cannot resolve itself without mental health professional intervention.

If you or someone you love is looking for therapeutic services in the Palm Beach Gardens area contact Michelle Smith, MS, RMHCI at 405-323-1786 for a free 30 minute phone consultation to see if I would be the right fit for you today!

Understanding Anxiety

Anxiety. We all know the feeling. An all-encompassing emotional response to a real or perceived threat. Right now with FSA testing happening in school districts across the state, anxiety levels are sky-rocketed for students, parents, and teachers alike. During times of increased stress you may notice changes in your child’s behavior such as irritability, rigidity, outbursts, and attempting to gain control of the world around them. Although anxiety is a normal emotional response, it can become detrimental especially if ruminating thoughts regarding what “might” happen take over.

During high emotional times such as state testing, you may notice your own anxiety increasing more than normal. Anxiety, like many emotions, is contagious and just being in a setting with high anxiety can increase another’s feelings of anxiety. So how can parents “weather the storm” of testing anxiety season and support and also encourage our students to be the best they can be?

Encourage and Validate

Parents, teachers, and adults sometimes struggle to validate children who are dealing with anxiety because it may not make any rational sense. For instance, maybe you have an honor role student who consistently performs well on standardized tests; however, they are feeling an overwhelming sense of dread the morning of the test. You may feel challenged to validate your child without agreeing or dismissing their feelings. Validate and encourage your child or teen’s feelings anyways, note how difficult it must be to feel so out of control at times. Use statements like these below:

“It makes sense that you are nervous about your test, and I know you will do your best and make it through anyways!”

“I can tell you are worried about the test coming up, especially because you have been picking your nails more lately. Is there anything we can do to help you feel better about it?”

When validating remember anxiety feels REAL whether it is a perceived or imaginable threat. Try to take a trip down memory lane to your middle school or high school years and connect to your experience with anxiety. Allow your child to vent if necessary, and reward them for taking steps towards their future.

Model Healthy Coping Strategies

The history of anxiety comes from our caveman ancestors who were driven by fear to escape life threatening situations such as being chased by a bear. In 2018, anxiety comes from worry thoughts that trigger the same “fight or flight response”. The problem comes when there is nothing to run away from, then you or your child can be left with symptoms such as rapid breathing, increased heartbeat, sweating, or trembling. You can help encourage your teen to begin utilizing healthy coping strategies in times without high emotion, so it is easier for them to practice the skills during anxiety.

Breathing Exercises

Teaching simple 4 count breathing in through the nose, and out through the nose is a wonderful tool to teach children at a young age. When our mind is on overdrive, we can calm the body which sends a message to calm the mind. Deep breathing helps bring our body to a relaxed state and out of the “fight or flight” response. Bring your teen or child to a free community yoga or meditation class, make a date of it to tune in and focus on your breathe.

Get Into Logical Mind

Many times when anxiety becomes paralyzing, we can make a shift in mood by engaging our logical mind, or the part of the mind that focuses on logic versus emotion. To engage this part of the brain help your child focus on a number game, count backwards, or engage in a writing exercise. This takes attention off the emotion and brings the body back to an equilibrium state. Sudoku, meditative coloring, even math problems can help in times of intense emotion. Engage with your child and model these behaviors for most effective practices.

Acceptance

Although your child or teens emotions may be more intense in the next couple weeks than normal, it’s important to remember anxiety is a part of life that your child can and will learn to manage to live a fulfilled life.

It may be easier to minimize or dismiss your child’s anxiety, taking the time to acknowledge it may be the difference between learning how to cope and manage these feelings or burning out. And remember… testing season will pass!

 

For more information on anxiety, mental health services for your child or teen, or psychoeducation for families contact Michelle Smith, MS, RMHCI and Middle School Guidance Counselor at 405-323-1786 for a consultation.